I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Randomize
