have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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