Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
