I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
