Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
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