Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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