Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
