i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Randomize
