Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
