please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
