My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
He's a Shit stain on my heart
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
