onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
3 2 1 whiskey
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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