He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
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