I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Randomize
