You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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