She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Randomize
