nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I supernannyed him into submission
Randomize
