I just threw up on my dentist
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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