thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
