.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
