Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
