The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
