some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
splinters make it hard to masturbate
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
