you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
