I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
