I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
