I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
BRING THE BAGELS
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Randomize
