were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
