Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
