A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
It's shark week go big or go home
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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