Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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