Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
