I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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