Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
