My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
