just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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