Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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