Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
