were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
