i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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