So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Pi�atas plus fireworks don't mix well
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Randomize
