The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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