chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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