I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
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