Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
