Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
