Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
