then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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