I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
