You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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