if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
